Meeting

Meeting my birth mother after so many years was very different than the was that I had contemplated over and over in my confused mind. I was alone in my house waiting pacing back and forth on edge nervous, anxious, and unsure. I kept sitting then standing up then checking myself in the mirror to se if I was presentable, as if I needed to be presentable then I saw my brothers car pull into my driveway. So of course I hid behind the wall like any normal person and peered out the front window so I could get a look at her. I will never forget the moment that my eyes caught her full long black hair blowing in the wind, as she turned her head her face was somewhat recognizable but in no way familiar. There was no connection no longing, which confused me even more. I thought I would be brought right back to the moment that I saw her last, that I would feel like a little girl gazing into her mothers eyes. It felt as if I were meeting a stranger. Which I guess in reality I sorta of was.

I had asked my brother a head of time to come in with her for the first few minutes just to break the ice. When they get out of the car I also see a dog, my sister in law, and my nephew strolling up to the door. I thought to myself wow this is going to be awkward and it was. They all come barging in as if this was all a normal everyday thing. My sister in law came in right away laid her son down and said she needed to change his diaper mean while my brother was tying up the dog and in the mist of everything I think I recall saying hi and hugging the mother that I hadn't seen in over twenty years. We both just glanced at each other and waited until the diaper was changed and my brother and his wife were on their way to the park to meet Ed and the kids. The door finally shut and I invited her to sit down. We just sorta looked at one another before one of us asked how the other was, I can't recall who said something first. I could tell that she was a lot more nervous than I was. Then she burst into tears and began to just cry which made me cry, I think I was crying more for her though I could tell that she was hurting, so leaned over and gave her a hug. After a couple of minutes she started to gain her composer and then looked at me and said you are so beautiful. I guess I will never understand how it must feel to see your child all grown up without actually seeing them grow up. She wanted to know everything about me and what I had been doing with my life, I then told her how I met Edward and about our three children. There was silence for a few seconds and then she asked me if I had any questions for her like why she did what she did. I replied that I knew why and that I was grateful to her because we had a better life because of the choice she made to let us go in the end.

Talking became easier I think for the both of us. We began to laugh with each other about the funny things my siblings and I did as kids. She told stories and showed pictures of us as children. I asked her about my birth father and if she had kept in contact with him. She said, no, he wants to literally kill her so she stays as far away as possible. I told her that I had no desire to see him again. She thought that was a good idea.

I had Ed come back with the kids so she could meet them. Of course she loved the kids, how can you not? My brother also came back with his family and we all had dinner together then sat on the porch and watch the kids play. It was then time to part ways, we said our good byes and they drove off. It has been almost a year now and have not made contact. I felt satisfied in meeting her until the last month or so I have been feeling like there are a few more questions that were unanswered.